i-cable is in-capable

Hong Kong's customer service standard is 20 years behind the times. Combine that with 21st century technology and you have a mess of a problem.

For example, I've been having crazy problems with my Internet service provider, "i-Cable". It was down for 3 weeks and the visiting technicians couldn't figure it out. I'd ask the technicians and they'd shrug. They themselves don't even use i-Cable, they suggest I use another service.

When the internet goes down, not only do they take forever to fix it, but instead of refunding me, they keep extending my stupid contract. What makes it more irritating is that they have to call me by the name on the account,

"Mona" (sigh). Yes. My name is Mona. I'm Mona. I want a refund for the three weeks I haven't had Internet.


Them: I'm sorry, we don't refund. We extend your contract.
Doug: I've been having so many problems, I'd much prefer a refund.
Them:I'm sorry, it's not our policy.
Doug: I don't want an extension, your service sucks, you're not providing Internet. How can I have more no Internet?
Them:We will fix it shortly.
Doug: That's what you told me 2 weeks ago.
Them:As soon as we can.
Doug: You lie. I hate you. Why do you work there? It's such a bad company. I'm going to cry.
Them:Excuse me?
Doug: (whimper)

Other times when I call, they can't understand my Cantonese and they can't speak English. Sothey keep taking down my phone number and insisting someone who can speak English will call me back. And no one does.

The last time I called them, an hour had already lapsed after I had expected a call-back. Infuriated from calling twice a week without my callback, I told the guy on the phone that not only would I not give my phone number for a call-back, that he shut up and find me someone who can speak English. Don't understand! I don't understand! (plugging ears) La la la la la la la la la! Hurry up! How many times do I need to call!? Bla bla bla. Half an hour later, an anglo-capable customer-service rep came on the phone.

Them:Hello, what is your account number?
Doug: It's ######
Them:What is your name?
Doug: (Sigh) Mona. The name is Mona.
Them:How can we help you, Mona?
Doug: You can help me by not calling me Mona.
Them:Excuse me?
Doug: I'm not Mona. I need to change the account information. I need to change the name and ID Number.
Them:Umm...please hold.

(holding)

Them:Hello, Mona?

Doug: I am not Mona. I'm calling to change the account name and ID number.
Them:I'm sorry, it is not company policy to change the account information.

Doug: Ah. Is it company policy to provide terrible customer service?
Them:Well concerns about customer service can be relayed to the management. But regarding changes to the account information, I regret to inform you it cannot be done.

Doug: Well you'll have to. you see, the name and ID number you have is not me. They're not here. In fact they've never been here. They have left Hong Kong. If you do not change the information, I will not pay. I will not pay for an account that is not mine. They are not here.

Them:Let me check. Please hold.
(holding)
Them:Yes, hello, do you have proof that the person has left Hong Kong?

Doug: No.
Them:Then I cannot change the account information.

Doug: That's ridiculous. That person isn't here. Do you want to go to Canada to see?
Them:No. We cannot change the account information.

Doug: That's ridiculous! What if the account holder is dead?
Them:Then we'd need proof that they're dead.

Doug: What the hell? Umm...Alright fine. I confess. I want you to know I am confessing. I am confessing that I don't even know this person and I want you to know I stole someone's ID and gave it because I needed one to open an account. I am volunteering information that is accurate and true, so that you can update your database.
Them:Ummm...

Doug: You see, that person doesn't even know me, and doesn't know I used their ID. You should update the account information.
Them:I'm sorry, we cannot.

Doug: Do you understand that I broke the law and gave you a wrong preson's ID nubmer? That person doesn't even know, and if they do, they will pursue i-Cable for damages.
Them:Ummm...well then, we will contact the authorities and inform that person.

Doug: Oh, please do contact the authorities. And you cannot contact that person! My phone number is listed as the contact number!
Them:Ah, may I have your name?

Doug: No. When you have someone who can update the database, have them call me, and I'll tell them everythig you need to know.
Them:Ummm...Okay. Bye.
Doug: I hate you. Goodbye.

Yep. That's Hong Kong's customer service for you. It sucks.